Talk about your childhood wishes...

Who can make a sun rise? sprinkle it with dew?** (see below) Sadly, it is not the Candy Man. More or less it is a secret code warning America of impending holocaust. If you will notice, the song suggests the Candy Man wants the world to taste good. You and I both know that the only way the world could possibly taste good is if it was fried crispy. No one wants to bite into raw world. As you have probably already noticed, this song is mostly figurative. Obviously, the sunrise isn't the rising of the sun, it is referring to the flaming fireball produced by the atomic bomb. If you will also notice the line "because he mixes it with love." The song is obviously not referring to actual love. Here, "mixes" is the key word referring to the required ingredients delicately mixed together with a blender and, as mentioned later in the song, "makes everything he bakes satisfying and delicious."

Let us not lose sight of the reason this song was written. In spite of the many theories offered by more qualified men than I, the fact is, anyone can see that this song is a plea. Notice the urgent request repeated over and over again: "the Candy Man?" It is evident this song is America's plea to tax payers begging the guilty party to "please stand up. We won't get you in trouble."

Mazer Thumpkin


**In the past, the submission of worthy prospects such as Homer, P.T. Barnum, and Ziccafoose Fudge were a constant quibble among the common people. It wasn't until the early 70's the "Candy Man" became the widely acclaimed answer to this nagging question. In order to convince the public, liberal lawmakers advertised this theory as fact and, writing a popular song dedicated to the magical character "the Candy Man," suggested that such publicity would "render the Candy Man 'hip.'"